Our Relationship: It’s not just about You and Me
Sometimes we forget that we are part of something bigger. This can happen anytime.
When we are in conflict, we tend to focus on the person we are in conflict with. There is something more, though, that speaks to our relationship.
Our relationship
Our relationship is not only about you and me. It’s also about those who are affected by our decisions. It’s about external influences. It’s about our experiences when apart from each other. It’s about unintended consequences, chance…
To resolve conflict, we look to find common ground. I like to think of relationship as part of our common ground, the part that intersects with our ‘Other’ worlds. I visualize it like this:
Another way I try wrap my brain around something that really has no boundaries (i.e., relationship), is that you and I are first connections. Each of us also has other connections. Your experiences with your other connections are different from my experience with mine; my knowledge of the situation different from yours. Where all our connections and experiences intersect is the core of our relationship, and it’s the common ground which is most prized.
When we address the Other, in our relationship, we:
- commit to working together, in the long run, even after the agreement is signed and things “happen”; it’s only through relationships that we can move forward in sustainable ways.
- increase our understanding of the situation… the Other offers the potential for diversity, additional options for convergence and resolution
- acknowledge the choices we make are part of a bigger picture, the context of our situation… to add context is to introduce multiple perspectives; critical for complex problem-solving
- give voice to all those affected; colleagues, family, friends, neighbours, our communites… giving voice to others in our resolutions is paying it forward… its good karma
- move from single issues to our common ground, a place where multiple problems can be solved
- reality test our resolutions; by bringing in the Other we add complexity and nuance to our analysis
Ask for the Other
As a third party neutral, we can ask questions to help bring in the Other:
- What is something that you have not said in the conversation that you would like to mention now?
- How has this dispute impacted you, your family, your colleagues…?
- How do your family, colleagues… view this dispute?
- Who will be affected if there is no resolution found?
- …
My question for you
How do you conceptualize and/or visualize relationship? Leave a comment.
Be it resolved: We value our relationship over the agreement
- Image courtesy of USEmbMalta on Flickr
Congratulations. You resolved your differences. You settled your dispute and reached agreement on how to move forward.
What happens though when something goes wrong down the road? What will pull you through, sustain you…. the strength of your relationship or the terms of agreement?
Navigate from the Future
Agreements keep us focused on our goals. Although one never knows what will happen on the dispute resolution journey, it is best to maximize your chances for success, before you begin.
Navigate from the future. Manifest your desired results.
Craft effective agreements
Effective agreements have implementation in mind… what happens afterwards.
An effective agreement clarifies intent and vision, roles, promises, time and value, satisfaction metrics, concerns and risks, conflict resolution…
An effective agreement details how the issues are to be dealt with; payment terms, other terms for which no amount of liquidated damages are specified, enforcement or interpretation measures, whether the agreement is signed in “good faith” and/or legally binding…
An effective agreement is clear about what the consequences are if we don’t honour our commitments. Think in the format, “if that happens, then we do this”. I’m a fan of if-then-else logic (I’ve found it useful in many contexts, way beyond what I envisioned during my years as a computer programmer, way back when… coding if-then-else statements).
The paradox of agreements is that implementation is not a done deal. The future is uncertain, even with an agreement in hand. How will you address that uncertainty when it arrives?
Address the relationship (assuming it matters to you)
Base results on collaborative agreement. Minimize protection-oriented legalistic ways. Build an agreement that you can trust; one that we are comfortable moving forward with, a “meeting of the hearts”.
Value the relationship over the agreement. If the agreement isn’t crafted with relationship in mind, is it not an Us vs. Them?
Bottom line: Create practical, vital agreements, based on relationship.
How about you? How do you recognize the value of relationship in your formal agreements? Leave a comment.
Are you ready for the unexpected?
How do you respond when someone throws a wrench into your day?
Here’s how one classical musician responded, after a Nokia ring tone went off in the middle of his performance… (thanks to my local fiddler/composer friend, Paul Gitlitz, for bringing this to my attention).
(If the video not displaying, click here)
I found this video instructive. Yes, it helps to know how to play the Nokia ring tone! (apparently its a component of a well known classical piece). Beyond that, I see a number of lessons in the video that we facilitators, mediators… can apply to our contexts. In a way, we’re performers, too:
- Be prepared. One of the best ways to deal with uncertainty is to anticipate… “if ‘x’ happens, then I will do ‘y’. Being prepared is also the paradox of being a good improviser, as all jazz mediators know.
- Welcome surprise. Surprises get our attention. They help us focus. See surprise as an opportunity to connect, educate, reframe…
- Acknowledge your thoughts, then say “hello”. Be self-aware… through self-talk, acknowledge what you are feeling/thinking in the moment, then let go of those thoughts, and become open, say hello, to what’s before you. This is a collaboration mindset.
- Move on. Like the improvisational theatre technique, “yes, and…”, add to the conversation, don’t take away. Give momentum to the mediation/performance. Think fast and slow.
- Listen. If nothing else, listen. It’s through active listening, that opportunity presents itself, and good things happen (be they disputes getting resolved or videos going viral!).
When I look at the above list, I know I still have a lots opportunity to better ready myself for the unexpected. How about you? What works best for you when someone forgets to turn off their ringtone… drops the unexpected on your lap?
U Connect: The Art of Making Connections to Resolve Disputes
I published my 2nd e-book this week, on Amazon. It’s titled: U Connect: The Art of Making Connections to Resolve Disputes. It’s a consolidation of some my observations, along with insights I’ve culled from others, around “making connections”.
Here’s the Table of Contents and here’s the Introduction section:
“Disputes happen. How do we respond?
One way is to blame “them”. That is the way of judgement.
This e-book is about another way; people working together to make connections, find common ground, and resolve their differences. Core to this collaborative problem-solving approach is making connections, of all sorts.
Making connections, building bridges between people, is an art.
Making connections is part of the dispute resolution journey, a journey that starts with attitude, a mindset of humility, presence and wayfinding. Authentic conversations can then follow. It’s conversations that bring us together, and it’s through conversation we change, connect and find common ground. Iteratively, we reach agreement on how to move forward in constructive ways.
Mediators love metaphors. Being a mediator, I use the U as a metaphor for visualizing the road to resolution, and to give context for making connections.
This e-book provides 14 types of connections that can be made to facilitate dispute resolution. The basic ideas and concepts in this book can be applied almost anywhere there is a need to bridge differences between people.
Our human brain is wired to connect. Learning to make connections builds on our natural capabilities.
Make connecting a habit. Be a connector.
Much success,
Ben”
My inspiration for this book came from many sources… colleagues, social media friends, local community connectors, neighbours, family… thank you all!
I’ve self-published U Connect using the Kindle Direct Publishing (KDP) platform on Amazon. I priced it at $2.49…. a somewhat arbitrary number, I know… it approximates what I often seem to spend on a cup of coffee these days… oh, yeah and its within the “approved” price range. Note: KDP will NOT let me/you (assuming you are as a small independent like me) publish for free (my preference). The minimum e-book price allowed is $.99. KDP e-books can be priced up to $200.
U Connect can be purchased from Kindle devices and Kindle apps for iPad, iPhone, iPod touch, PC, Mac, Blackberry, and Android-based devices. To purchase and read Kindle e-books from your PC, download Kindle for PC (it’s free).
If the e-book format is new to you, here’s your chance to give it a go. It’s new to me too, and the e-publishing part has been a bit of trial and error, learning-as-I-go.
I’d love if you checked out U Connect. Leave a review on Amazon… and/or comment here on this blog.
The Mediation ‘Sweet Spot’
A mediation is like a good holiday. Here’s why…
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A weekend vacation trip does not give enough time to find the holiday ‘sweet spot’.
Bruce Kirkby wrote a great article in last weekend’s Globe & Mail about the holiday ‘sweet spot’. As a veteran outdoors trip guide, he knows all about the magic and difficulty of disconnecting.
Kirkby says it’s not possible to truly relax on 2-day trips, where too much time is spent on transportation, logistics, getting comfortable with the new surrounding…
On 5-day trips however, personal change is possible, and the invaluable “middle day” of any trip, when sitting around the fire, the distractions of work and home, at least for a brief moment, fade from a traveler’s mind.” By day 4, the magic is gone, as the travelers were already mentally into day 5, the end of the journey, and thinking about tasks awaiting their return. Roughly, I graph it like this:
The idea of a middle day is an interesting one for mediators. There is no middle day in a mediation, at least along a predictable time scale. Each mediation is unique. There is, though, in a successful mediation, a sweet spot of resolution, a time in the mediation when tension is released enough for surprise, surprise, resolution to magically appear. Over-simplified, I kind of visualize it something like this:
Although parties in a dispute may enter the mediation room with a greater level of tension that in the visual above, the fact that they are close proximity, again, tends to escalate tension between them.
Holidays and mediations seem like kindred spirits to me. The trip guide and the mediator have similar responsibilities:
- to act as facilitator
- to create opportunity for parties to discover their sweet spot
- to foster “letting go” and making connection
- to work with emotion
- to understand the cycle of change
Just this week, after one of my mediations ended, one of the parties said to me, “you have such a stressful job”. Maybe, and then again, if I imagine myself as an outdoor trip guide, the sweet spot makes it all worth it, sitting around the fire on the middle day of the trip, knowing that I’ve helped others find what they were looking for.
In a way, that’s what we do as mediators… bring people to the fire, to let them tell their stories and find their sweet spot.
How do you visualize the sweet spot of mediation? Leave a comment.
2011 Favourites and Best Wishes for 2012
Happy New Year!
Thank you for giving me, and this blog, your attention over the last year. I’ve enjoyed connecting with you, many of you personally, and look forward to what new beginnings, and continuing adventures, 2012 offers us.
Here are the most visited blog posts on Collaborative Journeys in 2011:
- Strategies to reduce the gap between rich and poor, and make stronger communities
- Constructive Conflict: Revisiting the genius of Mary Parker Follett
- The Storytelling Class: Canadian documentary impresses Movie Monday crowd
- The Magic Relationship Ratio
- When the unexpected happens – calamity in Botolan, Philippines
- 15 Ways to bridge the gap between cultures and communities in conflict
- The turtle: A symbol of creativity AND collaboration
- The good farmer: An expert in relationships and sustainability
- Historical UN Declaration on the Rights of Indigenous Peoples – can implementation be far behind?
- Meghalaya’s Living Bridges = multi-generation collaboration
Though many of these were written prior to 2011, for whatever reasons they resonated with viewers in 2011. Hey, does that mean I was ahead of my time? Of course, it could mean a few other things, too…
All the best for you in 2012. I hope it is a fruitful and peaceful year for you.
Cheers, Ben.
Who Are You?
Last night, I was out caroling in my neighbourhood. It was great fun.
First we broke bread, i.e. sweets, and hot, spiced apple cider, at the organizer’s house. Someone brought Christmas carol song sheets. We headed out, about 20 of us, young and old.
We worked the neighbourhood, looking for houses with lights on, the more the better… a welcoming sign.
The kids would run up and knock on the doors, then scamper back to the group on the sidewalk. When someone came to the door, we broke out into song. I’ve been singing these songs, Christmas carols, my entire life. They are familiar and comfortable. People like that. We are creatures of habit.
The responses of people, from their doorsteps, ran the continuum…. from various displays of “not interested” through to joining in, with their voices and smiles.
The most curious responses though where when, after our song ends, the person(s) on the doorstep shouts out to us, “Who are you?” And we answer, “We are your neighbours.”
It’s funny how we live our lives.
Now, I’m humbled. I’ve often been the one to ask that question, too, who are you?
The holidays are a great time, and opportunity, to connect with neighbours. Connections can bring us joy, make us stronger, and collectively adaptive, to what the future brings.
I was thankful for last night’s opportunity to connect with neighbours, some for the first time.
What will you be thankful for this holiday season? Leave a comment.
Photo credit: NeoXerxes
10 Holiday Gift Book Ideas for the “Mediator” in Your Life
I enjoy reading books. They are a safe way to explore the ideas and works of others. And, a really good book is inspiring. It seems to connect on a personal and emotional level; a connection that can motivate one to further thought and action.
Here are ten of the books I read in 2011, and that inspired me to re-think some aspect of my work as a mediator. The list is diverse by intention. I’ve included Steve Martin’s bio as it reminds me what it takes to be good at your craft… whether its’ comedy or mediation.
Maybe one of these books will appeal to the “mediator” in your life? My brief review of each book (after the list) may help you decide. And, please share your favourite reads this year, for mediators, in the comments section.
- Conflict Management Coaching: The CINERGY Model (Cinnie Noble)
- Creative Thinkering: Putting Your Imagination to Work (Michael Michalko)
- Out of Character: Surprising Truths About the Liar, Cheat, Sinner (and Saint) Lurking in All of Us (David DeSteno, Piercarlo Valdesolo)
- Who Would You Be Without Your Story?: Dialogues with Byron Katie (Byron Katie)
- The No Asshole Rule: Building a Civilized Workplace and Surviving One That Isn’t (Robert I. Sutton)
- The Book of Agreement: 10 Essential Elements for Getting the Results You Want (Stewart Levine)
- The Paradox of Choice: Why More Is Less (Barry Schwartz)
- Twelve Steps to a Compassionate Life (Karen Armstrong)
- Clean Break: How to Divorce with Dignity and Move On with Your Life (Karen Stewart)
- Born Standing Up: A Comic’s Life (Steve Martin)
Conflict Management Coaching: An excellent book by a pioneer in the development of conflict management coaching. Conflict management coaching is basically a one-on-one process. It’s client empowering. It’s not about advising the client what to do. Cinnie has developed a practical model for coaching conflict, integrating and building on the fields of coaching, mediation, and neuroscience. The model includes a process to follow; many case examples are provided, along with numerous templates, and supporting references. This book is thorough, well organized and practical. I liked how Cinnie puts the role of coach in context, as part of a larger community-of-practice, and in relation to other helping professions such as mediation and counselling. Cinnie moderates the popular Coaching Coaching Guild group on LinkedIn, and where I’ve seen first-hand, how she leads, and coaches, by example. Nicely done, Cinnie.
Creative Thinkering: A superb, totally accessible, book by a global figure, when it comes to how to be a top notch creative thinker. Ideas covered include: the core idea of conceptual blending (making connections and associations between dissimilar concepts), the pattern recognition nature of our brain, idea incubation, intention boards, the need for multiple perspectives, importance of random stimuli, human traits of a creative thinker, and more. The concepts and examples are supplemented with nifty thought experiments. This book will definitely be of value to anyone whose livelihood depends on problem-solving. Read my detailed review of this book, here.
Out of Character: Two psychology profs/academics conducted extensive research into one’s “character” and found that its not as fixed as we once thought; e.g., its not simply who we are, like it or not. Rather it’s a variable state, swayed by internal and external forces that we are often not aware of. The battle between satisfying our personal immediate / short-term desires and our long-term needs for species survival never ends. Well researched. The theory builds on fascinating, subtle experiments. At the end of the day, a key message I took away is that character is on a continuum, just like the color spectrum. It is often a fine line between sinner and saint. Yet, this flexibility, in our character, can also help us; take advantage of opportunities, navigate our social world, find the sweet spot for realizing our goals… This book also has merit as a relationship guide. Who doesn’t need that?!
Who Would You Be Without Your Story? Byron Katie offers a tough-love approach to dealing with your inner confusion. She has been at the forefront of spiritual psychology (my words) since the 1980s. This book is a good avenue to exploring her ideas and The Work, her straightforward approach to giving yourself a reality-check when it comes to relations with others… and setting aside all those stories we come up with to rationalize our position. As she says, there are 3 kinds of business in the universe: mine, yours, and god’s (what she refers to as “reality”). Through transcriptions of dialogues, involving Katie and workshop/audience participants, we get to appreciate her approach and insights (laser-like), in a wide variety of contexts. I find her ideas, work, and advice refreshing; e.g., “Do three good, positive things each day and don’t tell others about it.”
The No Asshole Rule: I was a bit uncomfortable starting out this book. The “A” word (when I did a review of this book on LinkedIn, the system wouldn’t accept the word “asshole”) is not a word I routinely use, yet, I kind of warmed up to it as I got to appreciate where the author was coming from & what he’s advocating for. The author’s “A” Test is 1) After talking to the alleged “A”, does the “target” feel oppressed, humiliated, de-energized, or belittled by the person? In particular, does the target feel worse about him or herself? 2) Does the alleged “A” aim his or her venom at people who are less powerful rather than at those people who are more powerful? Now that your interest is piqued, you might want to check out this book. It offers some good observations, strategies and lessons; including “A”s are us!
The Book of Agreement: Practical, authentic & wise… Levine gives the 10 essential elements for just about any type of agreement. In fact he offers up 30 different model agreements; for business, community, professional, personal… Levine believes in “results based on agreement” vs. the protection-oriented legalistic way agreements are typically drawn up. Levine’s approach is based on relationships… in fact… he sees relationships as being more important than the agreement itself. Novel! If the agreement isn’t crafted with relationship in mind, well… is it not an us vs. them? The craft of drawing up simple, yet vital agreements, based on relationships, is much in demand, yet teaching this skill is not a priority with most conflict management / mediation training programs I’ve been exposed to. A pity.
The Paradox of Choice: Do you make choices decisively and quickly or is every decision a major project? Having many options and opportunities to choose from may not be a good thing.
This book explores the dynamics of too much choice… and the positive, and more likely, negative consequences that can follow. This book is very readable, and has many a nugget; re: when to “choose” vs. “pick”, objective vs subjective quality of decision making, the emotional impact of losses vs. gains, expectations and choice… Next time you are offering someone a choice… this book will help you frame your options. Really.
Twelve Steps to a Compassionate Life: A gem. 12 steps to living the golden rule – i.e., a compassionate life. Step 1 is Learn about compassion… Step 12 is Love your enemies. The author has written many books, on the major religions, is an expert on comparative religion, and writes with brevity, passion and humor. Read my detailed review of this book, here.
Clean Break: This book is about an alternative, “common sense”, approach to dealing with family divorce. The author went through a messy divorce. It was the initiative for starting Fairway Divorce Solutions. This book is background to the company, which is now franschising across North America. Key features of the Fairway include its’ business/project management approach (the author has a entrepreneur/financial background), and resolving all financial matters before kids/parenting issues are discussed. The Fairway method has many similarities to collaborative law and mediation processes. Read my detailed review of this book/idea, here.
Born Standing Up: Celebrated writer, actor, performer… and oft-remembered as a “wild and crazy guy”, this book is anything but. It’s even-tempered, instructive, and of course, sprinkled with dead-pan humour throughout. Martin describes his personal journey up to the time he left the stand-up comic world, which he happened to be at the top of, when he left it in the early 1980s. What impressed me about his early journey is that his success was all about developing his craft, and without stimulants, too! He walks us through his “complicated childhood”, becoming a regular employee of Disneyland at age 10 (he lived a short bicycle ride away), through years of gigging… all the while constantly refining his act. And his humour… not above self-deprecation; e.g., as in Martin’s self-commentary: “there is no harm in charging oneself up with delusions between moments of valid inspiration”.
Photo credit: Zitona on Flickr
I “don’t know” and I’m going to run with that
I felt crappy even before the face-to-face mediation began, this week. Fighting some seasonal bug, I was hoping the mediation would be a short one, no matter the outcome, and I would soon be on my way home, to a hot apple cider and a bed.
It was not a short one. Yet, what kept me going was the concept that:
“The most vulnerable and most important place in the continuum towards resolution lies in “not knowing” the answer. Our ability to stay in that place until clarity arrives is the key to uncovering the best outcome.”
Those words, from Stewart Levine, were my rock that day.
Thinking of Levine’s words, I suspended my desire for a rapid resolution. The parties in the mediation had other business. They had their stories to tell. First things first! And so, the conversation unfolded… slowly. I occupied us further with questions; to uncover, clarify, identify, prioritize… (and to keep me going)… and lo and behold, the solution seemed to mysteriously reveal itself.
Of course, it wasn’t a total mystery. Intuitively (my gut feelings), I was picking up on cues in the room, largely based on (my) past mediator experiences. And, when the moment showed itself (surprises in mediation can be a good thing), I waived off my medicines, and together, we found that common ground, and reached a settlement agreement.
This mediation settled. My contributions (I believe) towards that result included:
- reminding myself, before the mediation began, to linger/run with the “don’t know” feeling
- having enough in-the-moment moments
- distancing myself from the outcome I sought (resolution)
- allowing us space to learn, as we go
I can honestly say that missing any of those elements could easily have scuttled the mediation, and led to one frustrating day… for all of us.
Those success elements are at the core of Stewart Levine’s work. IMHO, he has one of the most pragmatic, honest approaches to mediation and collaboration that I know of, and I’ve shared his books and ideas before, on this blog; e.g., see this post.
The “don’t know” habit
I admit to making routine use of the “don’t know” approach a routine-in-progress. With my experience this week, I’m thinking there is no time like now, though, to commit to making it a habit.
What keeps you in the “don’t know” for longer? How big a part of your work, as a mediator or facilitator, is it?
photo credit: cowbite on flickr
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The Cloud and Mobile are the Mediator’s future office
Photo credit: H. Koppdelaney on Flickr
I mediated a trans-national business dispute last week. The mediation took place over several days, and was conducted online, over the Internet. There was zero physical paper exchanged. I worked from my laptop, from my home office. Essentially, all the software I used was based in the “Cloud”, and either free or low-cost. I’m grateful.
The Cloud Mediator
As a freelance mediator, I use Cloud computing to:
- send/receive emails
- teleconference
- web/videoconference
- store documents and forms
- e-sign for document approvals
- get paid
I’m finding the flexibility of being a freelancer, plus the Cloud, offers up some interesting technology integration options to the virtual mediator/facilitator.
Mediator Mobility
What’s scary (or exciting, depending on my mood) is that I anticipate all of the Cloud computing work I do on a laptop will soon be available on a mobile device.
I see a time when the mobile mediator will be able to respond to mediation demand:
- from anywhere
- for anyone
- and at little or no transaction cost
Sure, there are a few constraints; bandwidth and cultural differences being two biggies. For how long, though?
The train has already left the station
My own experience, both as a mediator and virtual facilitator, is that configuring and personalizing an Online World, that benefits both your customers and you, is getting easier to do, and at an accelerating pace. The young-at-heart will be advantaged. Competition will be stiff.
How are you and/or your organization preparing for that eventuality?
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